He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You may now shotgun with the bride
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
