Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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