Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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