im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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