i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
