I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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