Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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