Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
