i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
