My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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