What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
