I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
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BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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