I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
