Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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