Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
