Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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