If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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