My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
