eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
