You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
