Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
