I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
