can we get nightvision for the apartment?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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