WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
