I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just gargled with NyQuil
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
