i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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