I want to have your abortion
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
