Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
