you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
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In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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