Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
