Plan B is the new Plan A
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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