It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
