Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
