In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
