Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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