Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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