recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
