So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Is it because I queefed?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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