I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
