God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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