a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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