They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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