Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
