I saw his package. It spoke to me.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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