I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
