I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
