i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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