walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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