I bet he comes in French.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
