I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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