And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
