The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
