New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
