I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
