you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
