he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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